Latin for Sex Ed
by jade
Summary: Enraged by the last horrible sex ed at Hogwarts fanfic you read? Want to read something completely different? Or pretty much exactly the same but with a sense of humor? This may be the story for you.


So, this was a random idea. It's not a sequel to the ever popular 'Latin For Parody', so don't worry, you don't have to have read that one first. I just thought there were an awful lot of stories about sex ed at Hogwarts and far be it for me to back down from a personal challenge…

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Warning: Sexual things are mentioned. Some swearing. Some violence.

------------------------

Latin for Sex Ed

"Sex on television can't hurt unless you fall off."

------------------------

It was time for the seventh years to line up and go into a huge, empty classroom that was at one time used for Potions, but the school got so sick of potions flooding the second floor that they moved it into the basement. It was time for a class that ironically, was the least sexy class one could be forced to endure.

It was time for sex ed.

"Who's teaching?" Harry asked, trying to keep conversation normal. The second the announcements had gone up about their sex ed class, Hermione had checked out two dozen books from the library on sex and sex magic. ("I want to be prepared!" Hermione looked confused that anyone had even asked what she was planning to do with twenty four books that had been written in so many times that Madam Pince had stopped magically erasing the graffiti.)

"I don't know." Ron shrugged, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but on his way to learn about sex. Not that he didn't already know all about it. He did. He had done it loads of times. With lots of girls. "Maybe Trelawney…she could predict when Neville's going to faint."

"Neville's not going to faint." Hermione defended the boy who was walking a few feet behind them and looking distinctly pale. "I'm sure he already has a general idea of what's going to be talked about."

"You honestly think that his grandmother gave him 'the talk'?" Ron gave her an incredulous look.

"Well…no." Hermione admitted. "Anyways, I doubt Trelawney's teaching it. Professor Sinistra might be though."

They quickly took seats in the third row from the front. Unfortunately, Draco and a bunch of Slytherins slid into the fourth row right behind them. Draco immediately began kicking the back of Harry's chair in an annoying, repetitive fashion. Harry kept turning around to give him dirty looks.

It took about ten minutes for all the seventh years to get settled into their seats. There weren't any textbooks to get out, which was causing Hermione to be very fidgety. Then the teacher came in.

It was Severus Snape.

"Oh, for the love of all wacky hijinx…" Hermione buried her face into her hands. "Why is he the teacher?"

"I really don't feel comfortable with him teaching us about sex…" Ron's expression was green. Because, if Snape was teaching sex ed, that meant Snape was male and human, instead of a bucket of pond scum, and if he had a gender, that meant he could have sex with people and that just brought on a number of mental images that Ron never wanted to face again in his life.

"There will be no foolish wand-waving in this class…" Draco sniggered behind them.

"Isn't this class _about_ foolish wand-waving?" Blaise Zabini asked in a low tone. The two began snickering so hard that Snape, who usually ignored all the bad behavior that his house was responsible for, told them off.

"Mister Zabini, Mister Malfoy, do you have a question?" Snape raised his eyebrows.

"Yes," Draco raised his hand. His face was perfectly straight. "Should you be teaching this class even though you've never mastered the material?" The entire class began to laugh but then cut itself off nervously. Snape gave Draco a month of detention. Officially, it was because you weren't allowed to speak to your professor that way. Unofficially, it was because everyone knows you aren't allowed to speak of what happened during a session of Truth or Dare unless only the people who played are together in the same place it took place. They weren't in the Astronomy Tower and Ginny Weasley wasn't there.

"Now, we will begin our class. This is a class about a dangerous creature, an elusive beast. It's about the dangers of pursuing this fabled creature into the darkness, the wounds it can inflict, the poisons that can get into your very blood. If you want to brave this path, if you choose to go far in this particular field of interest, you will find yourself battling with not only the beast, but yourself." Snape gave them a dramatic opening speech, as he does for all his classes.

The students were all trying not to laugh, except for Blaise and Draco, who were leaned against each other, with tears in their eyes, unable to breathe because they were laughing so hard.

Blaise was given a month of detention and Draco was given a second month.

"Today, we'll be learning about the changes that some of the boys have gone through or are waiting to go through." Snape's eyes swung dangerously towards Blaise and Draco, who looked like they were ready to just start laughing again.

"Isn't he going to send the girls out of the room or something?" Ron asked looking around nervously.

"Oh Ron, it's not like girls don't know about erections." Hermione rolled her eyes. Unfortunately she said it rather loudly and was given a month of detention. Plus it started up a month of rumors about Hermione secretly being a floozy. ("She checked out twenty-four books about sex magic." Parvati Patil whispered to Lavender Brown.) "I can't believe I got a month of detention…it's just a matter of blood flowing into—"

"Shut up, Hermione." Ron covered his hands with his ears.

"With that attitude, Granger won't be going anywhere near any of yours." Draco commented quietly.

"SHUT UP MALFOY!" Hermione and Ron both yelled at the Slytherin boy behind them.

Snape realized that if he kept handing out detention, they were never going to get to the magical tape about boys going through puberty. He decided to just start it and give horrible threatening looks to anyone who spoke. He turned the lights off.

"I don't think everyone should have to take this class." Parvati murmured to Lavender. "I mean, I've learned well over a thousand sex tips from Witch Weekly."

"Yeah. This class should be for people like Longbottom." Lavender nodded in perfect agreement.

An hour later, Snape flipped the light switch back on.

"Any questions?"

"Oh! Me! I have a question!" Draco waved his hand in the air.

"No, you don't." Snape told him very firmly. Looking severely put out, Draco resumed kicking the back of Harry's chair. "Your homework assignment is to write two rolls of parchment on the film you've just viewed."

There was a lot of grumbling about this but Hermione looked excited about the homework assignment.

"Do you think Professor Snape would be mad if I talked about the books I've read as well on the subject? It's just that I think _Wizards and Their Wangs_ was much more in depth about certain aspects that the film only briefly touched upon." Hermione asked Harry and Ron as they exited the classroom.

"That book doesn't exist." Ron looked something near horrified. "You just made that up."

"I did not. Honestly, Ron…" Hermione shook her head. "What did you think of the class, Harry?"

"I think Draco's going to find his leg cursed off if he doesn't stop kicking the back of my chair." Harry threatened under his breath. "Seriously, though, Hermione, how can you talk about it like it's Charms homework or something?"

"It _is_ just homework. Honestly." Hermione sighed. "I mean, it's not like they're going to test us on how good we can do it."

"Are you sure?" Ron asked suddenly. "I mean, not that I would care. I've done it loads of times already—"

"Yeah, Ron, you're the Gryffindor Sex God." Hermione interrupted sarcastically. "They just want us to know the facts. You can memorize the facts from the books."

"What if we're paired off and one of us has to be pregnant? Like they do some sort of simulation pregnancy spell?" Harry asked hypothetically. "You know, so that way we know what it's like to take care of a kid."

Hermione gave him a very level look. "Harry, why would that _ever_ be an assignment?"

"I dunno. They do it in Muggle schools." Harry shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"With _dolls_. No one actually has to be pregnant." Hermione began shaking her head at her two friends. "Besides, if they paired us off, I mean, there's more boys than girls, so that means there'd be some boy pairs…which one do you suggest they make pregnant?"

"I don't know…the girlier one." Harry realized just how dumb he was sounding.

"Well, I'm sure, Harry, that if they do _simulo prego_, you won't have to be pregnant." Hermione assured him. "Honestly…you two _need _sex ed class."

----------------------

"Some of you turned in acceptable papers." Snape said, shuffling some papers at the beginning of their next sex ed class. "And some of you need to spend less time talking about wet dreams and describing yours in minute detail."

Draco and Blaise high-fived.

"Today, naturally, we'll be watching this video on what happens to girls as they get older." Snape looked distinctly uncomfortable. As soon as he turned out the lights, he'd be taking a secret passage way to the Potions dungeon where the other teachers were engaging in a game of late night poker. He'd have to remember to put on his visor.

"Oh, Professor, I think Potter needs to be excused from this class." Draco informed his head of house. "What's he going to need know anything about girls for? He's clearly a pouf."

"I'm not gay!" Harry protested.

"Mister Malfoy, as touching as your concern is for Mister Potter and his questionable sexuality," Snape ignored Harry's continued protest. "One more outburst from you and you'll be removed from this class permanently."

The lights went off, Snape went to go play poker, and the students began watching the movie.

Most of the boys spent the film looking slightly horrified, the girls just looked bored. Neville actually did faint. Draco and Blaise seemed to figure out that Snape wasn't in the room anymore and added helpful commentary to the film. (At one point, they began joking about whether or not Ron was just a late bloomer. Ron threatened to do something horrible to Malfoy with his chair but Draco pointed out that they hadn't gotten to that part of class yet. Although when they did, Snape was sure to have Harry be a guest lecturer. Harry stated loudly and without turning around that if anyone was a pouf in that class it was Malfoy.)

Snape came back just in time to turn the lights back on and give out homework. The threatening air he usually had about him was somewhat lost as he had forgotten to take off his green poker visor.

"Okay," Harry posed this scenario as they left. "What if we're paired off and we have to learn sex magic together? And you can't trade pairs? And you can't get out of the class because of some crazy magically binding contract and they don't have any room in like Transfiguration?"

"Have you guys been inventing potions again?" Hermione asked with a serious look.

"What? It could happen." Harry insisted.

"No…it couldn't." Hermione sometimes really didn't understand Ron and Harry.

"So…if there were sex magic partners…who would you want to get paired with?" Ron asked carefully. Not that he cared. Or liked Hermione. He was just curious.

"Oh, I think that's obvious." Hermione looked nonchalant.

"Really?" Ron looked a little surprised.

"I mean, if you've got an assignment, you always want to be with the top of the class, right?" Hermione continued. "In exams, Malfoy's always right below me, so that's who'd I'd want to be paired with."

Ron vowed that he'd get second best in all the exams this semester. He'd study really hard, starting tonight. Well, not tonight, he was kind of tired. Maybe tomorrow. No, Quidditch tomorrow. He'd get to it.

"I wish Snape wasn't teaching it. Anybody but Snape…" Harry spoke in a wistful tone.

Harry would regret those words.

----------------------

"Do to several rumors about Snape touching students in bad places that I read on the internet and the fact that a sex ed fanfic must have one ridiculous plot twist in it, you have a new teacher for this class." Professor McGonagall informed them at the beginning of their next class.

The teacher came in.

"No. Freaking. Way." Harry stood up in protest.

"Now, now," Voldemort looked slightly offended. "I've always thought teaching was a career better suited to someone of my talents. Surely, there are no ill feelings about that whole 'become evil overlord of the whole planet' rut that I got into, right?"

"You killed my parents!" Harry pulled out his wand.

"You've got to learn to let things go, Mr. Potter." Voldemort told the angry green-eyed student. Professor McGonagall left, thanking everything that she could retire from the classroom. "Now, today we're going to talk about orgasms."

"But we've skipped whole parts of the curriculum!" Hermione protested. Those outlines that most people receive on the first day of class and quickly discard, Hermione kept forever and marked specific days on her calendar. "Also, how exactly are we supposed to address you, sir? Like Professor Voldemort? Or Professor Lord Voldemort?"

"Can I call you Professor He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I'm uncomfortable calling you by your name." Ernie asked from the back of the classroom.

"Oh, whatever you're comfortable with. But I'm a fun teacher, so just call me Lord and Master of the Entire Universe." Voldemort gave them a winning smile. "I know we've skipped parts of the curriculum, but let's try to go outside the box, shall we?"

"Screw the curriculum." Draco hit Hermione in the back of the head with a wadded up piece of paper.

"Anyways, the French refer to it as _la petite mort_. 'The little death'. Now, this is different from actual death. I can demonstrate an actual death for you right now. May I have a volunteer?" Voldemort looked around the classroom. Then he pointed at Harry. "Ah, yes, thank you for volunteering Mr. Potter."

"I didn't volunteer." Harry spoke in a deadpan voice. "You just want me to come up there so you can kill me."

"Don't be silly…" Voldemort laughed nervously. "I wouldn't kill a student."

"How did you even get hired?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, I filled out a very persuasive application." Voldemort began to sweat.

"You had sex with the headmaster?" Draco's jaw dropped.

The whole class turned a shade of green.

"That's a very good quest—_obliviate_!" Voldemort wildly cast his spell, causing a desk to lose it's memory, before he ran out the door.

"Okay, it's official." Harry declared. "Worst class ever."

Hogwarts never had another sex ed class again.

--------------------------

It's short, it's sweet, it's _something_. Just in case anyone wants to know, Teresa kept insisting I have a book called 'Wizards and Their Wangs' mentioned in the story, so that's why it's in there. Please review.


End file.
